In the past few weeks I have started about 10 blog posts and discarded all of them after realising I either didn't really know what to say, or what I had to say sounded lame. I started blogging because I felt like I would be able to express all of my views articulately without fear of being judged, which is the main reason why I never ever voice any of my opinions at school. I thought that here I could say what I wanted and who cares if anyone likes it, they can just stop reading.
But even online I feel such an enormous fear of people thinking I am stupid, or small minded or anything like that. I read all of my posts over and over to make sure I don't sound like an arse and 90% of the time I feel embarrassed about what I have written, and delete it.
I have always wanted to be someone who could speak their mind confidently, but gradually I feel less and less like that. Maybe it's because I'm not even that sure what I do think. Or because I'm scared of being proved wrong, which is such a stupid fear but somehow it still terrifies me. In fact, I don't really think I am anything like how I want to be. I hate confrontation to the point that I won't even stand up for myself or issues I feel strongly about and I admire people who are prepared to stand up for these things when confronted with opposition.
I have resolved however to change some of this. Unfortunately there isn't going to be a magical event in my life where I suddenly become this amazing person, I have to work to be who I want to be. If I want to be more well read I will have to read more, if I want to be more creative I will have to create more stuff and if I want to express my opinions I will actually have to say them out loud in front of people. But I am prepared to make this effort, because I feel like it will significantly improve my life. I know people say that you shouldn't try to change who you are but I kind of feel like if you aren't happy with who you are and if exploring different aspects of yourself than you normally do improves your life then why not? And anyway it's not like I'm adopting an entirely new personality. I'm just trying to make mine into something I like more.
I don't really know when I'm going to start this though because I am a bit snowed under with school work and stuff, but maybe I could incorporate it into my school life. Or maybe it will have to wait until I have more time to be creative/bookish/stylish etc.
PS I am writing this post at midnight on holiday. My sister and I managed to sneak out tonight and went for a rainy dark walk and met a friendly cat which was nice. I would put up a photo but quite frankly at this time of night my brain is too frazzled to do anything but drift aimlessly through tumblr.