Tuesday, 8 April 2014
Last night my friend had her late 18th birthday party, and I was sat in the middle of an overly long table between two groups of people whom I used to go to school with. On my right, two people I would consider some of my closest friends as well as a girl I can't stand, whose foghorn like voice kept shouting out ignorant opinions which made me wince. On my left, several people I haven't seen in a while, one of whom I used to be very close with, but having not seen her in months I have no idea what to say to her, and we didn't speak for the whole night. Three of them kept having conversations about feminism and life and other stuff which I desperately wanted to join in on, but felt like I couldn't because I have never been very close to them and I felt like it would be intrusive or weird to suddenly start saying things about something they think I have no interest in. I spent a lot of the evening drinking and staring blankly at a wall, wishing I wasn't so scared about saying what I really think so I could talk to the people I want to, while my friends periodically asked if I was ok. In some ways, this is why I'm so desperate to leave. I want not to reinvent myself, but to be more like myself around other people, just so I can be with like minded people who like me even though they know me, something I have so far failed miserably to do in any friendship group I have ever been in. But there's a pessimistic little voice at the back of my head, which tells me I will always be like this, always stuck on the outside, unable to commit to anyone who interests me, and moulding myself around whoever I end up with.