Tuesday, 23 September 2014

life is beautiful. really, it is. full of beauty and illusions. life is great. without it, you'd be dead.

everything feels like its gearing up to move on. which is a shock because after weeks and weeks of staying inside and finding excuses not to meet up with people, it is dawning on me that i will be moving out in a month. I received several booklets of information from my university about my living arrangements and all the stuff happening in freshers week. Maybe I'm weird but the sight of an actual timetable of activities i have to participate in with people i have not yet met made my stomach drop about a foot. I think i will be excited soon, once I've got over the initial 'oh god this is really happening this isn't a dream this is the beginning of my life for the next 3 years help'. 

Also in my new room I am not allowed fairy lights, or to attach anything to the walls, or a pet or to bring my own furniture. how am i going to decorate then? my imagination? invisible ink drawings? life-size cardboard cutouts of celebrities? small plaster statues? maybe i will have to take up pottery.

I need to adjust. I spent this summer taking every single anxiety test i could find (as it turns out, there are quite a few) to try and give myself a solid reason why I have spent this summer getting paler and paler and retreating more and more. I almost relished in the fact that i have not been swimming all summer, or contacted my school friends but then i realised actually I've been quite lonely, and this absolutely isn't fun. I like time alone, but theres a difference between being alone and loneliness. 

lying in my room by myself helps me recharge, but if i spend too long without a meaningful interaction with a human being, i feel isolated, and weird, and a vicious circle ensues where i feel lonely and so withdraw further, feel lonelier, withdraw further and so on. I need to stop, take a break, convince myself everything is going to be fine unless i carry on in this vein and then yes, everything might be a bit sad forever duh.

***i don't write any of my posts because i am an absolute lazy worm in one sitting so this marks the few weeks in which this post just floated around in my drafts + i dyed my hair pink***

everything is quite literally rose tinted now. if i look through my hair, everything is a sweet smelling pink haze. turns out changing your hair colour does wonders for your self esteem

i recently watched gummo hence the title of this post. its one of those films which doesn't really have a plot, or seemingly any point. for me, thats why the 'life is beautiful' quote is so important to the film, and why it wouldn't really make any sense without it, because i think it is essentially just a film about the beauty of everyday lives, no matter how run down.

chloe sevigny is wonderful and that tiger leotard is something i really need 

anyway I've tried taking more photos of stuff

lonely flower growing in pavement crack

grey v.s. burning skies

railway station stairs in the evening

tired queueing legs - h&m tights, asos skirt, topshop socks and thrifted boots

also in other news i travelled to london to queue for the meadham kirchhoff ss15 open casting. i didn't get it obviously (i would be bouncing off the walls crying if i did) but i got to see the inside of their offices and walk in a circuit in front of edward meadham (although i am ashamed to say i didn't realise it was him at the time). anyway it was also nice because i did a thing i wouldn't normally do and nothing disastrous happened and everything felt kind of natural you know? I managed to negotiate an unfamiliar situation without completely freaking which i feel is an achievement in itself.

i really really love this song at the moment. its my soundtrack to walking around town and dodging round crowds of slow walking people (there should be some kind of fine for that i swear). like a lot of people i was worried when jamie t disappeared for 5 years (WHERE WERE YOU MAN) but look! he's back! with a video where someone uses a severed arm as a drumstick! i can rest easy.

in other 'things that made me happy news', i bought a full length fake fur coat. you know, the kind that would be appropriate if you were an elderly aristocrat or a polar explorer, and not a teenage girl in a moderately warm climate. still, I'm finding any excuse to wear  it around the house and feel regal.

its so huge i can't fit in all in one photo i love it. i feel like a furry mountain.
and yes i realise it looks like i haven't moved for all of the pictures in this post. i promise i have it just so happens my webcam is the best camera i own oops
more music i've been listening to a lot of recently

aLSO LAST THING I PROMISE but tavi did an AMA on reddit which i somehow managed to miss but her answers confirm my suspicions that she is an actual goddess. i have screenshots of some of them on my computer desktop for when I'm feelin' down.


  1. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS POST your hair looks so fab and it goes so well with your coat i love it all??? and thank you for introducing me to Jamie T. it reassures me knowing there are other people who go through the same thing i do - i.e. getting lost in your own head and not coming out for days on end.

    1. THANK U jamie t is amazing i wish i could discover him for the first time again. yes don't worry i spend an unhealthy amount of time wound up in my own thoughts.

  2. i wish u went to my uni so we could wear cute matching outfits like Charli XCX did in the break the rules video. My summer (and many other days in my life) were like yours. and i still experience a "phantom limb effect" after i cut off all my high school friends in my attempt to burn my high school past to ashes. I hope u get adjusted well to college life!!! Alll the music is great and Harmony Korine rules (im still afraid to watch trash humpers but i can always face Kids and Spring Breakers). I really want Chloe Sevigny's platinum blonde hair and striped shirt ensemble. the tennis player was one of my fav characters. Eating dinner in a bath tub seemed so gross but now im like hmmm... lol xD ughhhhhhhhhhhh so jealous of ur cookie monster shirt have u seen this? : and YOUR COAT IS TOO PERF IM SO JEALOUS. u are giving off some seriously cool girl ready for fall wes anderson margot tenebaum vibes and im really feelin it. U RULE

    1. omg yes we could just stride around campus with people falling at our feet... ugh yes its more difficult than you would think cutting people you don't like out but they just keep hanging on! yeah I've never felt like i really wanted to watch a movie about old people humping trash but who knows. yeah that entire scene made me feel queasy but hey why not? combines 2 of my favourite things. OMG YES john oliver x cookie monster is something that should happen all the damn time. THANK YOU i had not considered the margot tenenbaum possibilities of that coat but now omg so much is possible. maybe i should write a play.

  3. Aww, it seems so harsh you can't decorate your walls at uni. :(:( And Chloe Sevigny is great. I need to watch Kids, I haven't seen it and everyone says it's great. But your hair rules and OH MY GOD CHARLI XCX I LOVE CHARLI. I really can't wait for her next album. And I love that photo of the railway stairs for some reason, they just feel sort of sad and isolated but in a kind of beautiful way. xoxoxo

    1. i know its an outrage! haha i watched half of kids then it stopped working damn u putlocker. yess i am so pumped i love her and her music and everything. omg thank you, i was waiting in the car and the sky looked all nice so i took tons of photos of it haha.xx

  4. everything about this post is on point as hell....sorry can't write a better comment as it's 1am and i'm lazy but i love this ... best of luck with uni xxx

  5. I love your hair! it looks amazing. I wanted to let you know that I have extremely bad diagnosed anxieties and that I just got to university as well, and I find that having a rock or a smooth little object with you at all times hidden in your pocket helps a lot. I like to hold the rock to ground me whenever I'm feeling anxious or am in a particularly stressful situation. I also like to think to myself ,"in 5 hours, I'll be back at home relaxing, watching netflix and safe". That normally reminds me that in that moment, everything seems big and scary but looking back, it isn't as frightening as it may seem. I hope this helps! Anyways, I really like your blog.

    1. thank you! thats a really lovely idea, i might start doing that, and i always think like that about bad things, because they always do end thankfully! <3