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Saturday, 23 May 2015

pre exams exhaustion and limitations

I've realised why I don't post on here as much as I'd like to, and why I get frustrated about it. I have all these ideas in my head which I really like, and I want to carry out. But I hate the vulnerability of putting care and enthusiasm into something, nurturing it, then leaving it to the possibility of being torn apart and disliked by other people, even myself, pre-emptively cancelling out my own future embarrassment by something I once did. I'm trying to work my way out of it. I stop myself every time I find myself cringing at someone else's pursuit of their passion, and have tried to reflect their enthusiasm in the things I enjoy doing.



This song came on while I was sat on the train back to university, and in combination with the peaceful fields going past the window it made me realise just how tired I was.  Not just the sleep deprivation, but the exertion of constant engagement, with people, books, plans for the summer, current affairs, music, all finally hit me as I was sat watching the fields go past the window. The past three days had been relentlessly busy, cramming my work around a job trial, visiting family and the endless travelling to and fro which came with both, and as I was on my way home I felt totally sick of everything. At a point in the year when I have so many unavoidable responsibilities, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to be entirely still and ignore everything. To curl up somewhere with nothing to distract me or remind me of the things I should be thinking about. I've lost interest in having opinions or coming across as clever, or trying to make other people like me. I want to be surrounded by aimless, comforting things. I want to be disengaged, silent, weak and passive. 







Maybe one of my favourite photos I've taken on my phone. I was sat next to a sports field waiting for my mum to pick me up and the sky looked huge and dramatic 




In terms of milestones, I had a technically major one a few weeks back when I managed to drag myself out a mental hole and vote for the first time ever in the general election which felt really good until the results came out and it turns out we're going to be run by empathy-less reptiles for 5 more years.

*pre-voting apathy panic*
I really appreciate having read this article, which made me think about all the things we pour into our appearance and twisting them around, at a point when I'm so focused on my brain and the information inside it that I get quite severely dissociated from my body. Experimenting and examining my physical appearance is an effective work break, I've discovered. Even if I'm just going out to buy milk I put on makeup, decide on an outfit, and concentrate on how I present myself. It feels invigorating, and it keeps me occupied and engaged with something other than dusty history facts and abstract arguments. 

My exams are in just over a week's time. I'm not sure how seriously I'm meant to take them. I don't think they count for anything this year but I don't particularly want to get thrown out before next year either. I'm absolutely dreading them, but focusing on the time afterwards. I get about five days of doing absolutely nothing, apart from maybe re-dying my hair, watching tv. After that, we have the end of year celebrations balls, which I ate rice for three weeks to save enough to buy tickets for, and for which I bought outfits which I have spent the past month gliding around in my room in. So I'm concentrating on what is beyond the exams to try and get myself through them, remembering the wise words of the log lady:


I feel like there are more things I want to say in this post, but I'm tired and this revision break has already been extravagant. I hope you're all ok. If you're doing exams; good luck! If you've finished them, I hope they went well, and whatever happens remember they absolutely are not a reflection of your worth as a human being.

9 comments:

  1. This pre-exam exhaustion won't last! In a week it'll be done wooo!
    I liked the article you linked to! I can sometimes get caught up in "hey why don't my limb-things look like her limb-things?" instead of marveling at "woah holy shit i can do cool stuff with these limb-things and they are completely 100% mine?!?!"
    Good luck with your exams, don't let the empathy-less reptiles get you down x

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    1. agh moments of true-body-ownership feelings are so powerful. eek thank you. if I fail my exams I'm going to become a full time anarchist and spend all my time camped outside no.10 yelling 'DOWN WITH DAVE'

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  2. This post was so beautiful <3 I get you on the desire to be weak and passive. One of the worst moments was for me a few weeks ago when I was on the bus down from school when my body was shaking and all I wanted to do was drown in my own self-pity however there were about 20 screaming blazer-clad year 7s preventing me from doing for so. I will not miss that.

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    1. agh thank you! its so horrible when those moments hit when you're surrounded by people and you have to function as a human being when all you want to do is crumble into a pile of sadness. I feel you <3 (also lol year 7s. I sort of miss them)

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    2. functioning as a human being is overrated

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  3. urgh I get what you're saying about not posting so much! I think someone from parks & rec said (in all seriousness) 'I'd literally rather not do that than do it and it go wrong' which is like my worst fear! I say ooh yeah put yourself out there & just go for it etc, but when it really comes down to it I flake out. glad to know we can band together and meekly encourage each other to push forward with the whole life thing. I'm sure your exams will be fine, and even if they're not soon they'll be over and you don't have to think about em.

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    1. parks and rec contains so much wisdom though!! It just feels so scary putting yourself out there. But we will, with the help of our mutual nudging (hooray) aw thank you <3

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  4. Ahh good luck with your exams bb! I know how it feels when your mind's crammed with everything that's happening xoxo

    www.thelittleenigma.blogspot.com

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    1. agh thank you!! ugh yes it feels like a mess xx

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