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Thursday, 3 September 2015

starting and not finishing

I really had intended to blog more over this holiday but every time I start, or every time I actually get quite close to finishing a post, I stop short of completely polishing it and it sits neglected in my drafts for a few weeks. So I go back to it several times, revising it and sometimes taking out parts which are now irrelevant, sometimes keeping them because i like how i expressed them, or because i feel like they're important. so this post is essentially an amalgamation of my failed attempts to post, me trying to make something coherent out of all the links, and pieces of writing i had piled up in a draft post.

The majority of this particular post started in a burst of energy, which compelled me to write all the things which had happened to me, because they were *real events*. nothing life changing, but events and occupations which helped, and are still helping me feel like i'm moving along. so i divided these recent happenings into phases, to set them out clearly.

phase 1 - birthday, terrible holiday

i turned 19 on the 29th of july. not a significant age at all, and a not particularly exiting day to go with it. i was on holiday at the time in a very remote part of the country, which is a lovely place to visit when it's sunny and you can spend all day on the beach or wandering around the weird little towns, but it rained almost non stop for the entire time i was there. thus i spent a frustrating week in a dark little cottage, with no wifi, doing endless jigsaw puzzles. my birthday had all the basic celebrations, cake and gifts, and i went out for dinner, but i couldn't escape the horrible boredom which had seeped into the whole holiday.



(ok so the first evening we got there it was sunny but cold and we went to the beach and it was pretty magical and dramatic. i was especially pleased i managed to capture the 3 people silhouetted like that against the sky)

phase 2 - useless sack'o'flesh

as soon as i returned from holiday, my body essentially turned on itself. i wrote this, as i was lying in bed feeling frustrated and sick.
"i am currently sitting upright in bed, surrounded by tissues and various headache medications because guess who just remembered hay fever was a thing! just another thing to add to the vision in my eyes deteriorating even further, bad sunburn and my dead frizzy hair destroying every brush which attempts to go near it and refusing to look like anything other than greasy straw. my body feels like an uncooperative, clumsy, self destructive lump, which can neither move around without getting tired quickly nor sit still without fidgeting. thus i have spent the past week or so lying  under a duvet, keeping myself plugged into endless entertainment in an attempt to stop myself from feeling horrible"

one of the ways i distracted myself during this time was by going on virtual google street view tours maybe the saddest sentence i've ever, ever typed, but i hate travelling so this is probably the only way i'll ever see any of this stuff.
ushiku daibutsu

i don't know how this happens, but google street view has so many weird glitches where bits of people and landscapes go missing
the divine lorraine hotel, which has a fascinating, weird history
phase 3 - productivity etc. (i.e. the present day)

once i managed to drag myself out of my mental hell hole, two things happened: one, i managed to get a part time job working in a library, and two, i remembered the long list of dissertation reading i had yet to make any real impact on. surprisingly, my body decided to step up to these challenges. i have energy to plan my days, completing tasks which had been sitting at the back of my mind for months (i.e. finally replacing my poor, dear, sickly phone, getting a desk which fits in my current room, reorganising the cardboard boxes of junk under my bed). admittedly, the dissertation ideas are still no more focused than 'something about satan idk' but i'm getting there. the library job is fun, interesting and peaceful, and most of all gives me something purposeful to do, so when it comes to it, i truly feel like i deserve the time i spend lying on the sofa in my pyjamas.

i also recently finished the notebook i was using as a journal. maybe this doesn't seem significant but i am notoriously bad at finishing notebooks (is this a theme in this post? i believe it is) and this is the second time i've ever done it (the first was when i was 12 and i kept a daily diary in a 'series of unfortunate events' diary, which i still have. this was an anomaly). the style/quality of self expression (and actually my scanner lmao) is incredibly patchy but i'm pleased with it.






i started this post from the viewpoint of being only halfway through summer, so it feels strange reading it back, trying to incorporate the bits and pieces which were at the front of my mind several weeks ago with how i feel now. i intended to have more posts during summer because its such a h u g e expanse of time (like over 3 months for me) all condensed into this one state of in between-ness. it would have been nice to break it up more, and i like complaining about summer, and trying to talk about ways of coping with it (side note: this, this and this have all basically propped me up for the past months). anyway, time passes quickly.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so here are the links and pictures i found in rattling around in this draft, and can't/am too lazy to find any way of linking to anything else but i want to include anyway. i'm going back to university soon and can't wait. i'm living in a new house, with people who i will hopefully have more in common with than the vegan christians who populated my floor last year, and i can finally get back to having my own space and see everyone i couldn't get to over the holidays.




 

(screenshots from the x files episode 'the post modern prometheus', which despite being one of the most nonsensical episode, has possibly the best general aesthetic)



i'm only just discovering the good places to go in the neighbourhood i have been living in for over a year now. so i spend more time going on walks now, especially at dusk when everything is just getting empty and dark.

12 comments:

  1. OMG I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO STARED AT GOOGLE STREET VIEW WHEN I WAS BORED. :) Also, love photos at night and those black and white shots are awesome. Beaches at sunset are the best. :) xoxo

    www.thelittleenigma.blogspot.com

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    1. ahh thank god I'm not the only one! seriously though it's brilliant for only-virtually-adventurous people like me. ah ah yes i love beaches at sunset, mostly for the beautiful colours but also because that's when they're quietest...

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  2. I actually really loved this amalgamation of posts. Also, weird how 19 is not a special age where you are because it's huge in canada as it's the legal drinking age haha.

    (っ♥︎◡♥︎)っ intergalactic glitter monster//Plasma Dolphin

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    1. ah thank you! and that's such an odd age to be the drinking age, although maybe canada are just trying to promote 19th birthdays

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  3. I totally get the whole starting-but-not-finishing a post thing- it's what's been killing me this entire summer, and why I decided to completely start over in terms of blogging. This post was really lovely- it came together really well, and I particularly loved the scans of your notebook! It's a big deal to finish a journal, so congrats (I suck at finishing notebooks too!)

    https://petiteapprentice.blogspot.com

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    1. yes!!! and its not just on here, i could probably make a whole art installation with all the unfinished projects i have scattered around. anyway, i wish you more luck with the whole 'completing things' malarkey

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  4. This post is life. My summer of blog writing has been open blogger, attempt to write post, give up, repeat. Loved the Lynch video you added at the end, he's my favourite director and I can't wait for the new series of Twin Peaks! Your pictures actually have a Lynchian quality to them!

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    1. ah thanks! ugh i know i feel like i should just construct posts out of all my discarded ones.. agh me neither although its not out for another TWO YEARS oh my god....

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  5. hollaaa for living vicariously through google street view! a feeling of productivity something I've missed in this 3 month summer of unemployment and google street view is partly to blame. I really liked the two photos in your journal. I feel like finishing a journal is significant, it feels like "YEAH, that's an era of my life DONE and DOCUMENTED." idk i get a kick from it anyway.

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    1. ugh yes unemployment/nothing to do except play simcity and find your house on street view is terrible for creative feelingz (post university job searching is going to kill me i just know it). ay thank you i know! it also means I'm still surfing on the satisfaction of finishing one so i haven't started another yet oops.

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  6. i feeeeel you about those rainy holidays where you're locked inside, they just seem to suck the life out of you. but also there's this really fab website called geoguessr where it gives you a google maps view of anywhere in the world and you have to guess where it is. i've spent like up to 3 hours on it, give it a go!

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    1. ugh i know. oh my god thank you! i have loads of holiday reading to put off this is perfect.

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